Lets Talk Discipline: 5 Tips that have helped me
Discipline is a VERY sensitive subject when it comes to parenting. Everyone is different just like every child is different. I will say that this blog is not going to talk about a specific parenting position(i.e gentle, mainstream etc) It will talk about the things I have incorporated in my discipline regimen coming from a child who was abused. Now, I have head numerous of times "Spare the rod spoil the child". As someone who has been hit with fishing poles, extension cords, paddles, fist, belts, belt buckles, choked etc I am not one for corporal punishment at all. As a matter of fact, if you look at how a shepherd uses his rod when guiding sheep you will see what that scripture implies. Have you EVER seen a shepherd beating their sheep into submission? That rod is gently used to guide them in the direction the shepherd needs them to go. You can discipline without causing physical pain. Therefore, it is OUR jobs as parents not to BEAT our children into submission but gently guide them. We as adults don't even know what we are doing lol. We are living life and taking it one day at a time.
How then, would we try to make sure our children make the right decisions and never make mistakes? This article is not to judge if you do use spanking. I am just saying that since my case was so extreme growing up I made it a point to parent without it. I have reasoned that usually when spanking occurs its when a child isn't listening or can't be reasoned with words. If they cant be reasoned with its best to wait until they calm down and then start the discipline. If you use physical punishment they will stop immediately but they don't learn why. They learn that they will be caused pain and are afraid of that consequence. A child's lifelong personality is set by first grade (age 5 or 6) so we as parents have a SHORT amount of time to get discipline right and make them good members of society. As I said before we are imperfect as parents and are learning as we live. Here are some ways that I have incorporated Discipline in our household that so far has worked. I hope they help you as well.
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Treat them as a human being: This one may seem simple but it can be a challenge for some. A child does not automatically respect their parent. That is something we much teach them. We must teach them to respect authority yet also not be mindless drones and follow everyone. So how do we teach them who should be in authority? Simple, Talk to them like a human being. Have discussions with them and really listen to their feelings. If they are upset we shouldn't tell them to "quit whining" or "stop crying" As an adult when we have a bad day we go and vent to someone to get those feelings out. We are our child's sounding board. We are the ones that they vent to. It is our job to help them navigate their feelings and make sense of it all. Talking is the only way that this can happen effectively.
Stop Yelling: To go along with the above statement we also need to check out the tone we are using when talking to our children. If we are working on a project is it helpful to have someone yell at us when we are doing something wrong? No, it puts us on the defensive side. Yelling solves nothing, it just makes you both upset. Studies have shown that it can cause more detriment when children are screamed at. So the best way to deal with them is to speak calmly. even if you need to take a second to calm down yourself. We are imperfect so yelling may occur, especially if a child is putting themselves or others in direct danger (i.e about to touch a hot stove or cross a street without looking etc) those are hopefully few and far between moments. If we do yell we can always correct ourselves and that leads to my next point
Apologize for any wrong you have done: Children learn by example and since we will make mistakes when it comes to discipline it's important for us to acknowledge and apologize for those mistakes. I have yelled at my son or even snatched him a little too rough and immediately I apologized and made a conscious effort to never do it again.
4. Give them Choices: Now obviously this doesn't have to be in EVERYTHING. But for small things they need to exert a little bit of independence. We let our kids pick out their clothing, which snacks they would like to bring to the park if they would like to brush teeth before or after breakfast(we always do it before bed so that's why they have a choice). When my son was about 2 I started setting a five min timer on my phone when we needed to leave the park or anywhere fun. I got down to his level showed it to him and said hey you have 5 min left so do as many fun things as you can in that time frame and once this goes off we are done. He said ok. He was able to make the choice of which activity he wanted to do and when the time is up he doesn't give me any problems with leaving. Even now at the age of four he sets the timer himself and tells his sister who is 1 1/2 that we only have five minutes left then we go to the car.
5. Avoid / Prepare for Meltdowns: By saying this I mean the times that kids will likely meltdown. Obviously, they may have a rouge meltdown somewhere but I KNEW if we went out shopping right before naptime or lunchtime there would be a meltdown. So I Planned my activities and errands around that. If I needed to do grocery shopping we would go play at the park a little, have some lunch there and then go grocery shopping so by the time we got home they were good and tired. We as Adults get hangry or irritated when things don't go to plan, the same is true with children. So we must prepare as much as we can or avoid meltdowns altogether
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Raising children is HARD work. It is something that doesn't come with a playbook and each child need different discipline. These five steps have helped me at the core of my parenting and made it easy to create the discipline that would work for each individual child. Remeber that you don't have to follow one set rule for parenting, you can follow your gut, take bits and pieces from parenting styles and make your own. The end goal is to make sure that we raise well-balanced individuals who will be able to take on the world. They will be disappointed, they will get hurt, they will have challenges. It is our duty as a parent to teach them how to handle their feelings, speak up, respect authority and maintain integrity. I feel like Discipline is 40% doing what we say and 60% doing what they see us do. Leading by example is the best way to make sure they are learning.
What are some disciplinary ways that you have tried with your children? Let me know in the comments below.