Why I Decided To Let My Kids Call Me By My First Name.

When I was pregnant with my first I had competing ideas given to me “don’t lose your self” or “you’re going to be all about baby for a while and that’s ok” it was a constant battle to take on this new title of mother while simultaneously trying to keep other faucets of who I am alive and well. I am cosnstanty struggling between being everythign for my kid while also realizing that one day they will become independent of you and it’s important to set boundaries and make sure you’re more than just mom. 

Therapy has helped me with these boundaries and understand that it’s ok for me to be selfish and enjoy some hobbies that are just mine (I finally took up knitting and it’s been a wonderful escape during this pandemic) I remember a little while back, one tear filled night, I was speaking to my husband about figuring out how to be more than wife and mom. He listens and held me and said some encouraging things and we went to bed. 

Some time has passed and he started to act diffrent. Instead of saying “go get mom” to our children he would say “please, get Amber” instead of saying “mom really likes this song” he would say “Amber really likes that song” soon my kids would interchange calling me Mom and Amber. Now I’m not gonna lie I got upset with my husband and was wondering why he would condone them saying my name. He made sure that whenever he would speak to the children about me he would use my name. And, one day I had an epiphany. He was showing my kids that I was more than just mom! He didn’t use my title he used my name when speaking about the things I liked, disliked etc. he was showing by action that I, Amber aka their mom had other interest, hobbies, I was a whole human being. I also noticed that my kids started asking me more and more about the things I like, about how I was when I was little. What things did I watch etc. it’s has opened up a dialogue that I never had with them. 

Now I know some of you are reading this and are thinking “My YOUNG kids calling me by my first name? I THINK NOT, that’s all kinds of disrespectful” and to that I ask WHY? What makes calling someone by their name disrespectful? 

Living in a house that is neurodiverse I notice how much we do things based on what society says is ok. We tend to not question the logic behind it. My kids show me respect constantly. 9/10   the address me as mom. Even when my husband says “go get Amber for dinner” my kids will come to me and say “Mom, dinner is done”.  I was so tired of being seen as only mom and yet I was culpable in my kids only seeing me that way. 

 Also another great point my husband brought out is if they are separated from us it’s easier for those helping them to find Amber Razmus and not just “Help i need to find my mom”. One day my children will be adults and we will have more of a mentor, mentee relationship because I will have taught them all I know and it’s up to them to live their life. How much closer can you get with your kids by showing them WHO you are. You are more than just mom. 

This may not work for you but it works for us. When speaking to other adults I ask how they would like to be addressed and my kids oblige. My kids are happy, they respect me, they are loving, they are learning and when boundaries are crossed we address them and gently guide them into the respectful way of doing things. My goal in becoming a parent was not only to be myself but also to make my own family traditions and this is one of many.