Surviving Parental Estrangement: Practical Advice and Personal Experience

When Monique made her way over to club Shay Shay, I am sure she didn’t think she would be under the microscope of the public when she quickly mentioned a son she was estranged from. Fast forward to her son Shalon speaking up and sharing his thoughts about their relationship on his TikTok. As he spoke, you could hear the emotion in his voice as he rectified his feelings. However, He spoke succinctly about what his relationship was and currently is with his mother. (As of writing this, he stated that there would be NO relationship since she shared screenshots of conversations they had via text)

Being estranged from my own mother for 14+ years, I can say that a child doesn’t come to this conclusion lightly or quickly. Often, we are told, “You only have one mother or father. You shouldn’t stop talking to them,” and to that, I say, YES, we only have ONE father or mother, and imagine the pain that comes with knowing that and the parents are not doing what they need to make sure their child feels safe and loved. I will speak on my own experience, but I have heard many estranged from their parents say when they BECOME parents themselves, it opens their eyes to how horrible they have been treated.

Navigating through this can be very difficult, especially when we live in a society that speaks about motherly love or being a provider and confident as a father. To mourn someone who is still living is a very hard thing to do. It’s even harder when you have children of your own, and you can see firsthand how you want to do everything to protect that child with every fiber of your being. First, we must understand why someone would get no contact or be estranged from their parent. For me personally, it was physical and emotional abuse and the fact that my mom relapsed into her addiction and put my younger sibling in harm's way with the men she would bring around, as well as driving drunk and many other things. So, what are some ways that can help you navigate once you’ve decided to go without contact?

1. Find HEALTHY coping mechanisms: You have decided to go no contact, and you need to take a moment to recognize the weight of that decison and what it means going forward. Even if your parents were not great, there was a time you held out hope it would get better, and you probably reached out to them in your times of need. Well, that will not happen anymore, and it’s very important to figure out healthy ways to deal with your parent no longer being in your life.

   For me, I got right into therapy and working through that hurt. It took me years. I also had to compartmentalize WHO my mother was and not who I WANTED her to be. Yes, a mother SHOULD care for their children and be there emotionally, etc., but through NO FAULT of my own, she just couldn’t, and so working through that has helped me love her from afar and make sure that I keep my boundaries when it comes to a relationship. Journaling is another great coping strategy, as it allows you to get all the feelings that come OUT of your body and down on paper. The sad thing is that an adult you are estranged from usually does not even think about you; they are thinking about how what's happening is affecting THEM. So it’s essential to ensure you get those feelings out on paper so you don’t hold onto them.

2. Even with therapy, many books can be helpful. Read to help you cope and see you are not alone. One of my favorites is Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents. This helped me break down how I needed to communicate my feelings and how my parents didn’t have the skills to do so. That is not absolving her of the issues. But it has helped me see that this has NOTHING to do with me. I am the child; I am responsible for my safety now as an adult, and it is ok to love someone from a distance if they are a danger to themselves and or you (and your children if you have them)

3. Find others who may understand your reasonings; if they don’t understand, they can respect your decision. It is only natural for people to give you the line…You only have ONE mom, or you only have ONE dad. Although this is true, think about it this way. If you were to give someone an expensive gift and see them throwing it around, destroying it, and not showing care for it, would you continue giving them expensive gifts? A child is a precious gift, and we only have one life to try and get it right. If you made the decision to go no contact, sadly, it will cause a division in your family. So you must find a group of people who love. you and support you. There are so many of us who are estranged and understand our feelings. Online support is great, but in-person support is even better.

4. Give yourself time to grieve. This is the hardest part, I think. You are grieving a relationship that never was; you have lost hope (for now) that it will ever be what you need. A parent loss is significant and something you can’t ever escape from seeing. I remember one session in my therapy; I sat in a chair, and next to me was an empty one. My therapist encouraged me to pretend that I was my mother, and I got out everything I needed to say, all of my feelings. What I felt she had missed in seeing me become a mother myself. I bawled so hard, but I had been holding onto that grief for years. Writing a letter to your parent and not sending it is also helpful. Grief also comes and goes, so make sure that you are taking care of yourself. This leads me to my next coping skill…

5. Find a Hobby. I myself have fallen in love with knitting, gaming, and embroidery. Those are things that help me cope when I am feeling triggered. I first recognize that the feelings are coming from trauma. I make sure I am in a safe space and check in with myself. No one is responsible for my triggers but myself. After I have checked in and felt my emotions, I can start my hobbies that bring me joy. This doesn’t have to be an extended amount of time. I knitted something for 15 minutes because I had to take care of my responsibilities as a parent myself. But those times that I check in with myself and do something that I love to do help so much.

The hard truth is there is no easy way to do this; working with a therapist is something I highly recommend( if you are looking for affordable therapy, I would suggest using Openpath Collective). I would suggest looking into EDMR to deal with the trauma of having an estranged parent. No one who has made this decision will have all the answers. You are taking it one step at a time. I want you to remember that your journey is your own. Please don’t allow anyone to project THEIR situation onto you. I am proud of you for making a decision, there will be ups and downs, but I hope that this article helps you see you aren’t alone.

Have you experienced parental estrangement? Share your story or advice in the comments - I’d love to hear from you.