Navigating Neurodiversity: A Personal Letter to My Younger, Anxious Self

Hello, I know that life doesn't make sense now. You often feel like you are the only one in is anxiety filled rollercoaster. You can't find the words to describe the way you feel. You grew up around chaos so everything feels like survival mode. You often times feel like you are watching a play that everyone knows the lines and you are trying to do you’re best to play your part. None of that is your fault I’m sure mom did the best she could but as an addict there was only so much she could do while trying to face her own demons

Remember that time you were diagnosed when generalized anxiety at six but, no one thought to look into it. The lights were so bright at school, that no one would explain to you the night before how you would get to school, would you walk? Ride the bus? Would those bullies be there to hit you with sticks as you walked home? Would a friend get mad at you for correcting the way they pronounced a word? What would your lunch be? These and so many other questions went unanswered. It caused migraines and so much confusion. For that I am sorry. Back then people didn't know much about how Autism and ADHD affected girls. You weren't hyperactive on the outside. Your hyperactivity was your inner thoughts. Always racing, your heart constantly feeling like it was about to explode. The world around you is so complicated and you feel overwhelmed by trying to figure it all out at such a young age.

You read books as an escape. The characters seemed to understand you more than the people around you. Fast forward to your pre-teen and teen years. You had friends. You were outgoing. You loved to experience new things but when you would get there you had to push through the anxiety and the loud sounds and noises. You never understood the hierarchy of friendships and how blunt you were made many friendships fall apart. Now as an adult, I know that some noise-canceling headphones would have saved you so many times running to the bathroom and crying asking yourself what was wrong with you. Why couldn't you just be normal? I want to hug my younger self and tell you that your uniqueness is what makes you you! You constantly had falling out with friends because you would say things that logically made sense and sometimes that came off as judgmental.

You learned a lot about interaction with people from an alcoholic mother so sometimes you did things wrong. I am proud that as you got older you recognized the pain you caused and you apologized. You now know how to communicate effectively and that has helped so much with all of your friendships.

You found someone to love you for you and as you grew older you found friends who saw the world as you do. You became an amazing mother who used the learning she got from books to her advantage. You are a loving friend and although you are still blunt and tell the truth you have learned tact. You are still anxious but with therapy, you have the tools you need to help yourself through it. Anxiety is just a fact of life and a wave you can ride instead of drowning.

I am so proud of you young Amber you never gave up and kept pushing along. Even with all the unstableness and unpredictability that was part of your life, you leaned on your god Jehovah, and never let anyone hold you back from your goals. You are no longer in survival mode, You are healing. You know the reason WHY you do the things you do. How I wish I would have had this knowledge back then to give you the support you needed but as a mother you know now how important that support is and you can give it to your kids and to yourself.

I know you were always looking for the WHY as a child and although I can’t answer the why for everything you endured I do know it’s because of YOU I am the woman I am today and for that I am truly grateful and humble. Thank you little one for believing in yourself and believing in me.