Tantrum Vs Meltdown What’s The Difference? And, How To Handle It.

You’re at the store, and your child sees a soft blanket that they keep touching. You remind them, “Don’t touch anything in the store,” and your child proceeds to try and touch it again. You swiftly grab their hand and a high-pitched scream escapes from their mouth. You try to walk away hoping when they see you leave they will calm down. But, the screams are now at a pitch that you know that outside of the store can hear. My question to you is this a tantrum or a meltdown?

The answer may surprise you. It’s a meltdown. The child was unable to regulate their emotions at that moment and even seeing their caregiver who is their safety, walk away was not enough to jolt them into behaving in a way you wanted them to. Meltdowns are something that many neurodivergent people go through. I am Autistic with ADHD, and I’ve been having meltdowns my entire life. Meltdowns look different for everyone. Some are accompanied with violence, some you cry and cry others are internal but outwardly you’re quiet and can’t talk.

Here are some of the main differences between a tantrum and a meltdown.

So now that we have established what the difference is, what should you do when a meltdown happens? Ideally, the first line of defense is trying to de-escalate before a meltdown happens. That means understanding what your or your child’s triggers are. For instance, I have a sensory processing disorder. There are instances when I can hear the low buzzing of lights, or they are too bright. I carry noise-canceling headphones on myself at all times, as well as my sunglasses (I do the same for my children, who also have sensory processing disorder), but life isn’t predictable, so there will be moments when a meltdown will ensue.

1. Make sure they are in a safe place and remove any objects that can cause harm. When someone has a meltdown, it’s because they are deregulated. I feel very unsafe and out of control. I don’t want to be touched, but I want to get somewhere I feel safe. At home, there can be a designated safe place with something they love. For me, it’s a soft blanket and my room; for my kids, it’s different. No matter where we go, I make sure to help them find a safe place we can go. Whether it is a corner of a friend’s home that’s babysitting, a quiet place in a store away from people, a quiet area in an amusement park, etc., when you plan ahead you can see a trigger and try and anticipate their needs or the person in need can say “I need a moment in my safe space” or if they are nonverbal, you can take them there once you see them starting to get uncomfortable.

2. Stay Calm(Infinite patience). It can be very hard to do this while in the moment. But you already have someone who is not able to regulate their emotions. They need someone calm. Now is not the time to try and discipline or take something away from them as punishment. This is a disability, and we need to treat them with respect. Once they have calmed down, you can have a conversation about what they can do if these feelings happen again. Remember, their meltdown is not about you or your feelings. I have been hit, bit, spat on, told they hate me, etc., during a meltdown, and calm is how we get through it. Don’t take anything personally. One trick that has helped to calm a meltdown is what I call drawing attention to their fave subject and asking for help with that. For example, one of my children is obsessed with Pokémon. Give it some time, and you will learn the moment in a meltdown where depending on what you say and do, it can continue the meltdown or end it. It’s the sweet spot of calm before another round. I will say, “hey, I’m having a really hard time on this level of Pokémon can you help me” or with my other kid, “I can’t flip my squishmellow to the other side. Can you help me?” Using their special interest helps them calm down even further. And again, no discipline is discussed until they are all the way calm and we talk through ways to help.

3. Have sensory regulating items nearby. This is anything that soothes them. I mentioned noise-canceling headphones, a tablet, a soft Pom Pom in the pocket, a soft toy, fidget toys, and little stress balls that squish. The possibilities are endless. These are things that depend on the person and what they like. One thing you never want to do is take away something during this meltdown. Say they regulate with hot wheels, and you say, “ Because of your behavior, you’ve lost your hot wheel toy” be prepared for an escalation in the meltdown. The goal is not to discipline them but to help them regulate and feel safe. THEN, when things have calmed down, you can proceed with the discipline.

4. Figure out what triggers you in their behavior and remain calm. I know I’ve said to stay calm twice, but that is the most important part of handling a meltdown. A lot of times, caregivers are triggered by the “disrespect” that is shown to them when in reality, the person who is having a meltdown is not manipulating but having a very vulnerable moment and is trying to feel safe again. Their meltdown is not about you. I highly encourage you to figure out those triggers and work on healing from them.

These seem so simple on paper, and I can hear you right now “Amber, all these steps seem like I’m encouraging and I’m ok with the behavior” believe me when I say that not only have I been practicing with these methods for a while. I have also NOT used them in moments of my stress, and the difference in my children when handling them with the steps I’ve listed is night and day.

A meltdown is a neurological reaction to outside stimuli that is out of your control. You can’t look at it as a manipulation tactic. I have shared the difference between a tantrum and a meltdown, so you’re prepared for either. A meltdown is exhausting for the person experiencing it. We need to be kind and calm when helping someone regulate their emotions. You will never go wrong when showing your child patience and love.