Some TRUTHS About Motherhood No One Talks About
Motherhood. It’s something I have always wanted to be a part of since I was a little girl. I could remember being 4 and seeing my mother abused and, dealing with abuse myself that I when I became a mother I wanted to do better. I didn’t want my kids to have to deal with what I went through. Fast forward and after losses, infertility I finally had a rainbow baby. It was supposed to be glorious all rainbows and butterflies. When I became an adult that’s all I ever heard about motherhood. No one ever talked about how everyone will have different experiences as mothers. It’s so astonishing to me that people recognize that all children are unique and they behave, but when it comes to motherhood, we all should have the same feelings towards it.
Motherhood is not a monolith. We all have different backgrounds and life experiences that shape the mother we are. Here are some things I’ve gone through personally (and a few other moms I’ve come to know) that many people don’t speak up about.
Hating pregnancy is ok.
Let me tell you. Loosing 50 lbs each pregnancy because I couldn’t keep anything down which then caused my gallbladder to hate me only to be admitted to the hospital a few times for dehydration made me HATE pregnancy. Yes I know I have two kids and that shows the self-sacrificing spirit mothers have(we will discuss that a little later) I didn’t like that for ten months my body wasn’t mine, and I didn’t have control over the pain and sickness that pregnancy caused. Why is it that when women speak about having a hard time they are mostly told to shut it! “You know some people can’t have babies and would love to be in your shoes” that’s the equivalent of telling a child who doesn’t want to eat their food “you know there are starving people in the world” AND? What’s that got to do with anything. For over four years I tried and tried to get pregnant. I was about to start infertility drugs and low and behold I got pregnant. I was expecting to love it, to have a fantastic pregnancy but that was not my reality. It was hard; I cried every day. Something I had dreamed about so hard ended up being a nightmare. Giving birth was great, holding my baby was life-changing. I was so excited to have my baby, but you couldn’t pay me enough to plan on being pregnant again. It’s just not my cup of tea, and that’s ok.
Motherhood is not a monolith.
It may take you a while to build your village.
When you don’t have family around that village is VERY small. I don’t trust a lot of people with my kids. However, for your sanity, you need to build that village. Making new mom friends is rough. You have to find people you connect and mesh with. I joined a baby gym(my gym or Gymboree are two big ones) when my firstborn was four months. He couldn’t do much, but I needed adult interaction. It’s through that I learned about the libraries and parks everyone else would frequent. Little but little I started talking to people I would frequently see in the same place — that lead to going out for coffee and then, breakfast to having playdates. No one tells you how hard it is to build that village and how much you have to put yourself out there. Moms listen to me, you need a village it’s for your sanity, and it can be uncomfortable to meet new people but your village is out there and once you find it hold onto it.
You can lose your identity and just become a mom.
As someone who has always had her own identity and likes it. I was hit hard when I was sacrificing myself because there wasn’t enough energy to be mom, wife and me. It wasn’t until my son was about two that I started feeling like myself again. Same went for when my daughter turned two. They both had some independence, and I had time and energy to feel like my old self again. Now, some moms never lose their self, and for that I applaud them. But when you go through PPD, have no family near, etc it can be very easy to get wrapped up in not carrying for yourself and everyone else. Speak up to your friends or significant other and ask for that time needed to be you. Take at least 30 min a day just for you. Break it up into 2 15 min breaks. Even people who work get a break so make sure that’s a priority for you. Find a hobby that has nothing to do with anyone but your likes and stick with it. We need an escape as well. It is the ultimate self-care.
Motherhood is HARD, it is one of the only occupations you have to wing it, you don't get paid for it, and you are expected (from strangers) to LOVE every minute of it. Its ok for you to feel overwhelmed and cry, we are human, not mindless machines. It's also important to ask for help when we need it, make sure we make time for ourselves and work to raise children that will not need to recover from their childhood. We all make mistakes, and the important part is showing our children that it's ok and acknowledging those mistakes. We need to stop expecting perfection from mothers and cut them some slack. Recognize that everyone will raise their children differently. One thing I know that is true for many mothers and me...we love our children with our whole heart, and we will do whatever it takes to make sure they know that, we want to be honest, and open without scaring someone. So the next time a mom tells you she needs to vent or talk, listen without judgment and be there for her because chances are it took a lot of courage for her even to speak up.