Why my husband isn't my soulmate and other lessons i've learned in 13 yrs of marriage.
I know you’re reading the title and thinking. Oooooh, she does not have a happy marriage, How can you not look at your husband as a soulmate?The truth is I would never want that kind of pressure put on me, and so I don’t wish to put that on my husband.
Think about it. Growing up some people have had different best-friends depending on where they were in their life, and the romantic relationship is no different. I happened to meet my husband, and we hit it off. It could have happened with a different person. I was in the right place at the right time, and we connected. We work very well together, and we have nurtured and developed our friendship and love over the years. I love him, and he loves me but to use the word soulmate implies that we were handmade for each other and no one else. I’m here to say NAW! We built this marriage and our happy home year by year, month by month, day by day. I think people put unreasonable expectations on marriage and that isn’t healthy. Saying something requires work shouldn’t scare you at all. To attain your goals you have to work at them. That doesn’t mean it’s always unpleasant. It says there will be ups and down to get to those goals. I have learned that there are lessons I can take away from the ups and downs in my marriage, and I’m so glad that my husband isn't going anywhere, but he is here to work alongside me.
Here are some things I’ve learned in our 13 Yrs together
1. You will change:This is inevitable. What’s important is to make sure that you're honest to yourself and your partner. We got married at 22, and we are now 35. Things we made s priority then are not one now. The way we keep up with those changes having date nights. They don’t have to be elaborate (check out my 40 date night ideas), but they do need to be a time to unplug from everything and talk. Talk about the good the bad etc. check in with each other. Ask about each other’s goals and how you are working towards them. What help you need from your spouse to execute those goals. It’s essential to talk so that you can keep up with the changes you each will have.
2. Keep your business to yourself:In the age of social media, we throw around the word couple goals so quickly. The truth is no ones knows the ends and outs of a relationship, nor should they. We all need to vent once and a while, but that is why you have a therapist or ONE trusted friend. NEVER complain about your spouse to your family. YOU love your spouse, your family has a different love, and the love they have for you is stronger. So when you are finally able to forgive them, your family is over there feeling all salty and you are wondering why they won't accept you as a couple. Keep your business to yourself. Period.
3. Learn each other love language: We all have different needs, and it's important to communicate those needs. If you need flowers every once and a while, let your spouse know. If you are an introvert and need 30 min after a long day to decompress without questions, let your spouse know. It's especially important when there are children in the family. Don’t judge your spouse if they take a poopcation (aka disappear for 45 min in the bathroom.) as long as you can get one too then you are all good.
4.Laughter truly is the best medicine: When you can laugh about things it will help your relationship so much. There have been times when we are in a heated discussion, and one of us will crack a joke, and it calms us, and we laugh. We can then calmly discuss our thoughts. I can’t even tell you how many times in the last 13 years we had gone to sleep and laughed so hard at something so ridiculous. We have our inside jokes, favorite movie quotes, facial expressions that get us laughing. When we have our stresses and hard times laughter is what helps us get through this.
5. Invest in your marriage: All too often people but so much emphasis on the wedding day, one-word DAY. It may take some time to plan your dream day, but at the end of all of it, you have a marriage to focus on. So invest in your marriage. Don’t go into debt trying to have a dream wedding, make your marriage the priority. We do date nights so we can grow together. I read the bible to help fortify my marriage and myself. We make sure that we don’t speak ill about one another in public or at home because all that will do is erode trust you have built. Make sure you apologize when you mess up because we are imperfect. Check in with one another, so you are on the same page spiritually, financially, emotionally and physically. When you invest in your marriage from the start, the return you get is so worth it. You will indeed have a friend and partner for life.
6. Work on liking your spouse. You can love someone and not like them. Think about it this way. Take physical attraction out of the equation. Can you honestly sit down and hang out with your spouse and have a good time? You want to make sure that you are building a friendship as well. So work on liking them. Take an interest in the things they love this will only help you get to know them better.
7. Communicate effectively: When you live so close to someone it's very easy to take them for granted. Communication is critical, but you have to learn how to communicate. When we first got married we didn’t know how to communicate effectively. We both had to humble ourselves and discover the best way to get our points across. For us using bible principles really helped us not only strengthen our marriage but also helped us communicate well with each other. Proverbs 24:3 tells us that “By wisdom, a house is built up, And by discernment, it is made secure.” So really thinking before you speak and figuring out how to express yourself without placing blame will really help your marriage endure the long haul.
8. Put your spouse before family that includes children. Now I know I will get a lot of eye rolls here but when you have a man who respects you and has excellent communication this one is not hard to do. Obviously, when you have young children, they have needs. I am not saying that if your child is crying because they need you and your husband ask you to get him a drink from the fridge that you would ignore our child. NO, we need some common sense. I am saying that you need to put your marriage first. You need alone time, and you need to make sure you are connecting as a couple. Your children are going to move out of your house and have their own lives eventually. You want to make sure that when it’s just you and your spouse that you are okay. I know this is difficult. We have no family down here, and we have made some amazing friends that we can count on to watch our children for date nights. Things come up, kids get sick, etc., but we still work very hard to make time and put one another first. Each couple is different, and they have different needs, so it is up to you to discuss what it is you need out of the relationship, to compromise when it needs to be done and to be there for your partner no matter what. Also, a bonus, you become a great example to your children about what a healthy relationship looks like.
These are just a few things that I have learned in our 13 years together. Not much had changed from when we sat down to do our video on the things we have learned in 10 years. By applying all these tactics, it has helped us draw closer. Just remember there is no need in life to have a soulmate. All you truly need is a great friend, respect and love in a spouse. I am genuinely grateful to have found that in my husband.