See you in my dreams

I try my hardest to hold back my sobs and tears as I nurse my son to sleep. My inner struggle is getting the best of me

"How could my body sustain and nourish my son during pregnancy and afterwards with breast milk these past two years, yet fail to do the same for this precious life that I had growing inside of me"

I am that 1 in 4 yet again. (October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month) The second time seems to be the hardest. Like I have failed my family. Late night talks with my husband about the excitement and nervousness of having two. The sadness I feel not being able to give my son a sibling and him being an only child.

I know people try to give you comfort in telling you "you can try again" but I don't want to go through a loss again. I'm not strong enough. I know that unforeseen occurrences befall us all and since we are imperfect that means we stand a chance of loosing a pregnancy. I don't blame God, I KNOW this loss was NOT in gods plan. He is a loving God and never wants anyone to suffer a loss.  I look forward to a time that is promised to us in the bible where there will be no more death and pain.

I know we will be ok, it will just take some time. For now my baby is a memory in my mind and all the adventures we would have had together will be in my dreams. I'm so grateful to have a husband who is my rock during this time.

I wrote this blog as a therapeutic process and to also shed light on the fact that this happens more than you realize and when it does you're not alone.

I need to take time for me and deal with this all. It's been a very rough time for us. I'm taking a break from Social media for the next month. I just want to get all the snuggles and adventures I can get with my son. If we know each other in real life and you txt me and I don't respond just know I've read it. I just need time.

Thank you everyone for your excitement for my family that means a lot. You know the struggles we have had as far as having children have been.

Much love to you all

The Razmus Family